


Garden Of Loneliness

by JamlessGenius



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld Deserves Better, Alternate Universe - Pistil Stamen, Introspection, Junsu (Lost in Translation) & Kang Dongho | D.Min are Brothers, M/M, Songfic, jjolee supremacy, the ceo is once again the absolute worst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:20:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26582032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamlessGenius/pseuds/JamlessGenius
Summary: Junsu knows the rumors about Wyld. A playboy, sleeps around. Probably has a million flowers on his back and finds a stamen to add another every time one fades.Ahn Jaewon’s branches are empty.Pistilverse is an AU mostly used by Korean fanfic writers. In this AU, once a human comes of age, they will either turn into a stamen or a pistil. If they are a stamen, they will have have a specific flower, if they are a pistil, a barren tree grows (kind of like a tattoo) on their back. Once a stamen and pistol sleep together, the stamen’s flower will bloom on a pistil’s back.
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld/Junsu
Comments: 8
Kudos: 96
Collections: I Found These Masterpieces And Fell In Love





	Garden Of Loneliness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [baekhyunsmoles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/baekhyunsmoles/gifts).



> This is a Mess.
> 
> Song is East Of Eden by Zella Day

_ “He’s an idol,” Nari says. “Who goes by the stage name Wyld.” _

_ “And he has a pretty bad reputation.” _

**_ Pink toes, pressed against the carpet _ **

**_ Show your face, and finish what you started _ **

How is he dealing with a terrible reputation?

That was what he had thought, seeing that vulnerable soft kid who couldn’t even hold up to the visceral power and passion in the red of his hair apparently moonlighted as a playboy. A notorious man-whore. The images claiming to have flowers on his back popping up under his name. 

The photoshop jobs on them are terrible.

And Jun hadn’t even known Jaewon was a pistil. 

Looking at the two of them for whatever their tentative friendship was, it makes no sense.

Of the two of them, how is it that it’s Jaewon who sleeps around?

Jaewon, who laughs at his mistakes and opens himself to people to be used so, so easily. He feels and displays it so... so proudly. A contrast to him, who rarely lets more than disgust or discomfort— sometimes interest, victory, or pride— through. Nothing as vulnerable as anxiety, or awe. Jun doesn’t dare display sadness, whereas Jaewon lets his voice wobble and tears spill from his eyes.

Where Jun is so desperate to be more of a machine, Jaewon is fiercely, beautifully human.

Stoicism isn't a sign of strength. It's cowardice. Jun knows that, damn it. But he relies on voluntary numbness for the sake of survival.  
He’s sacrificed too much to make it this far. Jun refuses to be that little boy who cried all the time, and couldn't muster a damn reply when bullied by his own parents. He’d left his family behind with the notion that he could ever care about someone again.

_** The record spins down the alley, late night ** _

But he supposes he’s been caught in Jaewon’s orbit. And Jaewon, who seems so kind and so miserable, is not the worst person to have fall into your life.

He pushes back the memory of his brother. Expression never quite as icy as his own, but with the better grades and his parents’ love and his own secret to hide.

Not that he cares. Jun had left and Dongho doesn’t matter anymore.

But now his mind wanders back.

No. There was no possible way.

Jaewon, who was so desperate for a friend in the world, too kind for his own good, awkward and shy.

There is duality andthen there is disconnection. 

Jun hadn’t considered it until a storm hit. What Jaewon’s hobbies are has nothing to do with him.  
They shouldn’t have anything to do with him. 

“Oh- Jun?”

The aforementioned idol looks like a drowning kitten, rain plastering red hair to his face.

“Come inside,” Jun sighs. This guy is going to somehow drown standing up.

“I’m soaked through, I’ll get your floors wet,” Jaewon tries to protest.

“I have some spare clothes, come on,” Jun rolls his eyes. An offer was an offer. In some ways, Jaewon never has made sense.

His shirt was soaked through, no makeup could possibly withstand the water on his back.

But the branches are empty.

Not a single bloom or petal in sight.

Ah, Nari had said _reputation_. Misconstrued images and rumors.

Jun looked back at the disconnect. It wasn’t where he’d thought it originally was.

**_ Be my friend, surround me like a satellite _ **

The disconnect grew wider. For what purpose is there to spread such clear falsehood? 

Jaewon was lonely, he realizes. And he feels too much but hides more than Jun’s emotionally stunted heart could possibly fathom.

Head over heart, but logic is not kind.

It was not kind, to realize exactly what probably goes on in a dirty industry like television. Let it not be said that having Kangs for parents has taught him nothing. Everything in the media is a scheme. And this one left casualties.

Does anyone at all know? Jun didn’t think so.

Jaewon needs a friend. Jun could pay a little more attention to that role.

The media is a dangerous thing. It can turn a joke or an incorrect assumption into an arrow-point so deadly it can ruin.

Jaewon was pierced through so many times it wasn’t even clear what was left.

_** Tiger on the prowl ** _

Jaewon always seemed to greet him these days with an attempt to help. Though... that was how they’d met, after all.

He was sure now, of what had made Jaewon cry. Jaewon’s suffering for company purposes, no doubt. An investment still means paying money. There is a loss for the gain. It appears that it’s Jaewon who has to pay.

The world is not fair.

So when Jaewon tries to help, Jun lets him.

Like now, as he bandages a sore from drawing for too long. Jun hadn’t noticed the mark, but he let Jaewon stick a bright blue bandaid on it.

Jun only smiled a bit and tousled Jaewon’s hair. Jaewon was Jaewon, and he melted into it every time. Sometimes he even knelt around him like a stupid cat who wanted to be pet.

He is so, so fond.  


To like someone else? Completely scary. And Jun refuses to address that either. He stuffs it in the box with his fear and the ugly discomfort that had long since swallowed up any of his self-worth.

  
The less he needed to feel deeply, the more it stuck at surface contentment or enjoyment- and Jun is alright. The truth is that he hates feeling too much or talking about it. He used to feel too much.  
Then his brother left, and he was pushed to be good at everything even if he didn’t want to. Then he tried to be a people pleaser. And then he’d lost everything. 

He doesn’t want to let somebody close to him without noticing. He doesn’t want people to care about him.

But Jaewon cares anyway.

_** East of Eden ** _

Jaewon is tired of living in the media, a world of liars and cheating and industry and money doing more talking than a mouth ever could. And yet words chomp through bills.

It’s complicated.

And Jun misses none of it.

He could tell by his sunken eyes, despite the perfect skin and pretty hair. Jaewon’s human and he wasn’t built for the life that of anything else. 

Jun rememberes that bone-deep exhaustion of the expectation to be more than you ever were. He hates it. 

Kang Junsu is many things but he is not a bad friend.

So he drags Jaewon on a walk through the streets before he heads to the tattoo parlor. He knows so many stamens who got their pistil’s branches or stalks tattooed on them. Jun may be a stamen, but he covered himself in flowers nonetheless.

Screw society saying who gets to paint who with color. 

A stray pads up to Jaewon as they cross through a park.

_** Coming for you now ** _

“Did you come for me?” Jaewon whispers, oh so reverently, to the kitten. An irrelevant cat. But a glowing moment to Jaewon.

“He’s not a unicorn,” Jun sighs. Jaewon freezes, looking sad.

“I don’t- I don’t think I’m pure enough for unicorns to find me.”

“The things people speak are not always truth. Word of mouth is not law.”

“Isn’t it? You don’t even know me all that well,” Jaewon laughs dryly.

“I can tell enough.”

“Assumptions about me, you mean,” Jaewon replies. His eyes are stony, but not cold, as he watches the cat. Jun crouches next to him.

“Not about your life story. I mean that I’ve seen concrete, biological evidence that you have not slept with a single stamen in three years.”

“Says nothing for pistils,” Jaewon replies, eyes tired as he stroked the dirty cat.

“You don’t show off that you’re an idol, run from your reputation like it has teeth. It’s obvious that you don’t sleep around,” Jun rolls his eyes.

“You say that from your own assumption. Everyone else says it’s obvious that I do,” Jaewon hums. His voice is tired, tinged with an edge of bitterness that he barely kept back. Jun holds his gaze on Jaewon.

“They’ve never met you.“

“What does it matter, to them?”

“It matters to me,” he insists.

“What on earth are you talking about?””

“Tell me I’m wrong,” Jun pushes, tired. Tired of Jaewon clinging to a reputation that hurts him for something else’s sake. “Tell me you’re not tired of being painted in colors that aren’t yours and petals that aren’t real.”

Tears artlessly trace lines down Jaewon’s face. His expression doesn’t change.

“I’m so, so tired of it. That doesn’t mean it’s going to change.”

“I knew, the moment we met, that you’re far kinder than you pretend to be,” Jun says. The “ _and I had a feeling it would kill you” _ went unsaid.

“Am I really?”

It wasn’t a fish for compliments or affirmation. That was genuine disbelief in his statement.

“Yeah,” Jun grits out, telling him what he should have been allowed to already know. “You are.”

Jaewon didn’t respond.

_** Keep me from the cages, under the control ** _

He is fluid, flighty, and bright. A flickering flame that dances in the wind.

Suddenly the mindset of a moth makes a lot more sense to Jun.

But does it matter, when the winds are bringing that light to the dangerous precipice of flickering out? 

**_ Running in the dark, to find east of Eden _ **

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

Hah. 

Childish.

Words burned. And burns, once cooled, hardened. An armor that covers scars from when you were soft, once. 

Jun’s covered in armor because he’s still burning.

**_ Keep me from the cages, under the control _ **

But he’s forgetting what his skin looks like underneath the armor. Avoiding his reflection in the morning goes beyond physical insecurities.  
It's confronting the harsh reality of how he traded in whatever made him soft in order to survive. What Jun shows to the world was authentic, but also highly curated. In a way, it's no different than what was expected of him as a child: to be perfect.

**_ Running in the dark, to find east of Eden _ **

When he acknowledges that so little has changed and he’s burned his heart out from the inside, he knows at least he’s away from where humanity is at its worst: a world built on greed and intrigue.

_** To find east of Eden (oh) ** _

_** To find east of Eden (oh) ** _

_** To find east of Eden (oh) ** _

_** To find east of Eden (oh) ** _

But Jaewon is trapped in it. He’s drowning in it and willingly hanging himself with the ropes they hand him. Because he’s kind.

And Jun knows that it’s going to kill him. He knows all too well what industries do to their assets: leech until they’re bloodless.

Jaewon’s getting paler.

_** Call me while drinking up the sunshine ** _

Sometimes Jun wondered if Jaewon was too good for this world. What kind of person gives themselves up so easily?

Because Jaewon clearly isn’t a masochist. And this is hurting him.

A kind, soft person.  


Jun wonders if it’s an image of what he could have been once. Jaewon, who’s so beaten down that he has every right to harden like Jun had. He has every right to hate the world.

But he doesn’t.

No, he chose kindness. 

A kind person who Jun saw a long gone piece of himself in. He envies Jaewon, just a little, for protecting it better than Jun had.  
Jaewon is a good person. He is kind, if a little awkward, and he makes Jun happy.

How long has it been since someone made him happy? 

With his gentle hand, Jaewon had taken a sledgehammer to his walls and made a door for himself. And Jun couldn’t bring himself to mind it.

Jaewon’s here now, eyes trained on the coffee cup in front of him. Jaewon’s branches are probably such a deep brown because half of his blood may be coffee.

There are little things, petals of a larger flower, that make up Jaewon.

He loves coffee, likes cats and loves sharks. Plushies make him beam like a child. He desperately wants to help everyone.

And he’s very lonely.

And he’s suffering.

And he means a lot to Jun.

_** Be my man, and show me what it feels like ** _

He does mean a lot to Jun. 

At first, it was the same kind of pity one would give a stray cat. He saw someone so desperate for a friend that he’d cling to Jun of all people. 

So he’d let Jaewon cling to him.

But there’s something else in there now.

It wasn’t just Jaewon, with no friends in the world. He’s Jun’s now.

And Jun supposed that, in no uncertain terms, made Jun, his.

Jaewon has become his friend, then something else. Jun wants to say it was brotherly.

It’s not.

He knew, when Jaewon warily wraps his fingers around the edge of he sleeves, or sent a trusting grin at him.  
They are not touchy, Jaewon’s too shy to ask for it and Jun had stopped caring about a lot of it. Facial expressions meant nothing. Jaewon felt more than he showed and Jun refused to feel enough to show.

But Jaewon makes him want to show it. Jaewon makes him want to smile. 

**_ Denim sky, unbuttoned down the middle _ **

**_ Spilling out, little by little _ **

Hadn’t he left behind that softness? That idealism and innocence?

Hadn’t it been burned off, leaving only deadened branches?

Wasn’t it that where Jaewon’s garden was lonely for its emptiness, Jun’s was for being so destroyed? Jaewon’s was forgotten and Jun’s was burned to the ground?

He touched a tattoo on his shoulder, recalling the burning and stinging sensation of something else under his skin other than his young, sixteen year old self’s white hot rage.

He’s been angry and walked for so long.

Where had this bud among the ashes come from? 

Jun hates it.

With a flaming and irate bitterness.

But that spark of green against the gray, for all he curated and burned himself for his own strength, was something Jun doesn’t have the heart to remove.

And  since when had his heart had a say? Since when had that stupid, overfeeling piece of himself woken up?

Jun wants to hate, to feel rage.

But all he can recall is that drowning boy who was so, so desperate to have a friend. All he can recall is that overgrown garden because nobody cared enough to look at it. All he can recall was pity blooming into a friendship blooming into something else. On him.

All on him.

How can he hate Jaewon, when he likes him so, so much?

_** Tiger on the prowl ** _

_** East of Eden ** _

“How did people draw their conclusions about you?”

“Conveniently placed stickers, conveniently placed Jaewon,” Jaewon replies. “Conveniently lacking intervention from HCE.”

“Ah,” he says. What else _is_ there to say? He knows the truth, bare as they let it lay.

“Have you considered revealing your back? Just to stick it to em?”

“I wouldn’t know, I can’t afford the scandal. If it was just _my_ debt, I would.”

Jaewon really does hate his position.  


It sends a pang of sympathy through his chest. But the threats go deeper than him. The filth of the industry is bone-deep. He continues, letting Jaewon full the blanks instead of going off of the obvious.

“How did they land on you? Of all the members?”

“I’m a pistil. It was convenient,” Jaewon says simply.

_** Coming for you now ** _

“It’s dumb, I think, that society forces someone to bear another’s mark,” Jun replies. He can’t commiserate. He’d never fully understand it.

“Is it? I wouldn’t know. No matter if you do or don’t, they’re gonna blame you,” Jaewon laughs, tossing his coffeecup into a nearby garbage can. 

Jun could tell the subject was touchy.

“I have no flowers I’m pathetic, and if I have a lot I’m a whore,” Jaewon huffs a laugh. “Why did we evolve this way?”

He was _ranting_ , which might just be the most healthy thing either of them had done in _years._  
  
“Who knows.”

“Isn’t it funny? That the story doesn’t matter as long as the mark is there?” Jaewon sighs, tears forming a gloss over his eyes for the smallest of seconds.

“Why are you surprised? People only care what things look like. You of all people should know that,” Jun tells him. Jaewon looks over his shoulder and smiles, a sad little thing.

“I should, shouldn’t I?”

“You should,” Jun says.

“It could have been romantic, once,” Jaewon murmurs. “Now it’s a mark of likability or purity or some delicate balance of how many times I need to let myself be slept with.”

“Oh?”

That might just have been the bitterest tone to ever leave Jaewon’s mouth.

Jun wasn’t sure if that teetering on the edge of something like him attracted or irritated him.

“Hah, it’s like those snooty neighbors who judge your worth on how your lawn looks,” Jaewon laughes. 

“I didn’t know you were capable of calling someone a name.”

“I’m normally not. I think I’m just... angry.”

“You’re allowed to be. Your situation is messed up.”

Did Jaewon know that?

“How did you realize?” Jaewon turns the tables, asking something he didn’t even expect to hear. Though, Jaewon does unexpected things, a small fond piece of himself unhelpfully argues.

“My family were the kind of people who’d play on those snooty neighbors and your lawn to turn a profit,” Jun admitted. It wasn’t a scab to pull off and bleed. Just a scar to explain.

“You don’t talk about them very much,” notes Jaewon. 

“Not like they’re family anymore,” Jun shrugs.

“W-What?”

“Kicked me out,” he elaborates.

“I- oh...”

“It’s alright,” Jun laughed. “I don’t care anymore.”

“You shouldn’t have to not care.”

“I’m a gay artist son, Jaewon. It was inevitable,” Jun snaps. It’s not a big deal.  
Why’s Jaewon more affected than Jun ever was?

“It shouldn’t be,” Jaewon says firmly. “I’m a gay artist son and I haven’t been kicked out.”

That was... a taboo piece of himself that he just... shared. With Jun. Jaewon really trusts him, doesn’t he?

“I’m a stamen. With a flower that’s identifiable. They’re terrified of finding it on some male pistil’s back. Like I couldn’t go for a stamen.”

Jaewon’s eyes blow wide.

“Ah then have you...?”

Jun smiles wearily.

“Haven’t for a long time now.”

**_ Keep me from the cages, under the control _ **

**_ Running in the dark, to find east of Eden _ **

“My parents always hated that I had an easily recognizable stamen. They hated when I added different flowers even more.” Jun says it with no emotion. There is none to put in.

“Oh,” was the little sound that spilled from Jaewon. He looks at him, kitten eyes wide. 

“Hah, my hyung has this inconspicuous little baby’s breath. Easy to hide and easy to forget. Not that I’d know if he spread it.” The final remark came out rougher, more grating than he had intended. He should be over this. 

“Right, you’re uh... not fond of your family,” Jaewon murmurs. He bites his lip. Jun found himself staring at the pull of skin when he hits the final nail in the coffin.

“Yeah. When they found out that they could find my mark on a male pistil, they lost it. Kicked me out and struck me from the registry.”

And that’s it. His past laid as bare as he’d let it. Blandly put because Jun doesn’t care anymore.

He _shouldn’t_ care anymore.

_** Keep me from the cages, under the control ** _

_** Running in the dark, to find east of Eden ** _

Jaewon quietly holds his hand, uncertainty practically painted in his eyes.

Jun lets him.

And when Jaewon notices, he smiles.

**_ To find east of Eden (oh) _ **

**_ To find east of Eden (oh) _ **

It slaps him in the face the way willfully ignored facts always do: harshly.

The change in Jaewon’s smile, the smile and the calm and way his worry eases just a little when they’re together.

Jaewon likes him back. It’s not like it’s hard to read him if you care enough to look.

Jun cares enough.

_** To find east of Eden (oh) ** _

_** To find east of Eden (oh) ** _

Jaewon’s under so much stress. It’s irresponsible and dancing on the edge of cruel to give someone something that can so easily be taken away.

_** If I wanted to stay ** _

_** You don't mind, you're a true believer (true believer) ** _

But damn it all. Jaewon deserves nice things and to be treated right. If nobody else will, then Jun has to pick up that slack.

_** Take it up with the badlands ** _

_** Creep on in like a concrete fever ** _

It’s not like he’s the most charitable person, but he was soft and kind once, too.

_** If I wanted to stay ** _

Even with nobody around, he’ll still do it. Because he does like Jaewon. More than he probably should.

Jun’s not hotheaded, per se, but he’s certainly willing to throw caution to the wind.

_** You don't mind, you're a true believer (true believer) ** _

Jun cups  Jaewon’s face. The red haired pistil turns to face him and Jun smiled sadly. 

“I’m sorry.” 

He’s about to put Jaewon in a precarious situation. Because he likes him so, so much.

“For what?” 

For falling for you. For making you fall for me.

Instead, Jun leans in and whispers in Jaewon’s ear _“for this.”_

And then he kissed him. 

_** Take it up with the badlands ** _

He kisses him like he was hungry, devouring. But still, his hands tremble in an effort to be gentle. Jaewon’s lips were soft and he tastes like coffee and tears.  


At first, Jaewon didn’t move. Then, slow and unsure hands hold his face.  
  


Jaewon’s awkward and inexperienced in kissing. But Jun wraps his hands around the idol’s waist anyway and pulls him closer.

_** Creep on in like a concrete fever ** _

Jun couldn’t have put something as primal and beautiful as feelings into some flowery ugly words. It wouldn’t fit.

Words are overrated, in comparison to actions.

_** Keep me from the cages, under the control ** _

_** Running in the dark, to find east of Eden ** _

_** Keep me from the cages, under the control ** _

_** Running in the dark, to find east of Eden ** _

Jaewon pulls away, eyes shimmering with something bordering on hope.

_** To find east of Eden (oh) ** _

Jun places a hand on his cheek.

_** To find east of Eden (oh) ** _

It wasn’t clear who said and who responded, but it mattered very little in the end.

**_To find east of Eden (oh)_ **

“I really, really like you.”

“That’s good, because I kind of just kissed you.”

** _To find east of Eden (oh)_ **


End file.
